wingenvy | [Voice / Action]

[He returns the favour, lifting a hand to her hair to stroke it. It's half for her sake and half for his own selfish reasons; her hair is nice, and the motion is both reassuring and therapeutic. A small reminder that he's really not alone here.

This is something they both really need right now.]

[ Not much manages to scare Lightning, but it's hard not to fear the idea that he might be next. While the number of people she wants close to her has increased, there's a difference between those she cares for and those she simply tolerates or likes just a little bit... and having her friends swiftly dwindle down to one left hurts more than she's even had enough time to feel.

She most definitely doesn't want to feel alone again like she had when she'd lost Serah back on Cocoon, made to live a considerably darker repeat of when she first arrived in Luceti while knowing absolutely nobody else.

Buuuut... she's not that girl who refuses to deal- if anything, she's too inclined towards pushing herself forward after a hard hit. So, eventually, after she's spent a few minutes just remembering how to breathe, she-- realizes she can hear Baldr whining from her locked room and sighs, very slowly releasing the worst of her death-grip on the man as her eyes turn away.

Anger at the situation is written all over her expression. Her instinct to get away doesn't kick in, though; turns out her drive to do much of anything is already drained. ]

[The silence is going to kill him if he lets it go on for too long, so when she looks away, he frowns tightly, hand still half-lifted towards her.]

Light... if you need to talk...

[He's honestly not sure, but it just... feels wrong to leave it at that. A rant, a hug, and everything's calm again? He can see that she's still angry, and he doesn't want it all swept under the rug.]

What do you want me to say?

[ Ah, perhaps not as calm as it would seem, considering the sullen misery in her posture as she puts a hand on the wall, turning her face away further. She still feels like she's been hit in the chest here; everything she can think of that would ease her upset doesn't apply, so...

Kind of makes things complicated, when she's already a person with a track record of not really knowing how to address her feelings. ]

I don't want you to say anything unless you want to. It's... an offer. That I'll listen.

[God knows he's had days where he wants to rant about what's going on, and definitely days where he's had to cry about it. And even with how much longer he's known Aerith, it feels like she's taking this a lot worse than he is.]

[ Lightning registers the offer, but while she might have been a lot more thankful for it some other time, here she continues to withdraw, tight-lipped, eyes down. Her stomach is in knots as she considers that it's probably pretty obvious that she's behaving strangely and taking this hard to an oddly high degree. Her annoyance at Aerith for keeping her fate a secret flares, which she immediately feels guilty for.

Then, she pictures living like this, aware of their friend's death while he remains oblivious, and... knows she can't do it. As painful as it is, she can't bear that burden when, if it's still hanging around, there's also bound to be no closure. The chances of Aerith returning - the Aerith she knows and made friends with over the last year and a half - is so slim as to be nonexistent, and if she keeps the source of her pain a secret, the fact that she's mourning a death alone will undoubtedly look strange. ]

She's dead, Zack. [ Well... she meant to say it a lot more steadily, but her voice breaks anyway, causing her to shake her head with a mental curse at herself. Still, she forces herself to soldier through a few more words. ] In the moment that she was pulled from... she was dying.

[For a moment, there's no reaction. The words don't click. The idea that Aerith, Aerith, safe, innocent, slum-dwelling, clever, beautiful Aerith could be dead, had never occurred to him before.

Dead.

Aerith.

Dead.

Like Angeal. Like Sephiroth.

Like him, someday.

Dead.]

Light... Light, what...? [His lips curve into a smile, desperate, hopeful, needing to find the humour, the joke that's going to follow, the "I got you!" that he knows isn't coming but needs it to come but it's Light and Aerith is-] That's not funny...

[ What kind of sick person would even think about joking over something like that? Not Lightning, that's for sure. The feathered ends of her wings droop listlessly even as she backs far enough for them to press against the wall behind her. One hand curls into a fist while the other covers it, but while she looks down at them her eyes are unfocused, every bit of her obviously miserable at having to do this.

Slowly, she just shakes her head, at a lost for words that are actually possible for her to force out. Unfortunately, she's really not joking. ]

[She's not joking.

He knows that. Knew it from the start, and those grasping fingers of desperation are slipping away from the theory that it's not true, it couldn't be true.

But... it is? Aerith told her?

Why not me? Then again, he knows that one, too. It's the same reason she didn't tell him that he was going to die, too. It's damn depressing and awful to think about, especially with the both of them alive and well right here.

So... now she's gone back. Back to die.

Back where he's already long gone.

Dammit...]

...How? [He has to force it out, his voice strained.] How did she die?

[ The biggest problem here is that most of what Lightning has heard was told to her months ago- with Aerith's reluctance to speak about it, the fact that Lightning only knows of these things from stories without the context of being from their world... it's safe to say that her perception is off. She knows this-- knows that there were probably a lot of facts she never managed to secure because she didn't notice where the holes were and missed the chance to make the other woman fill them in. And trying to piece together an explanation is far from easy when she doesn't want to talk about it now, either. ]

She said that... she was praying for the Planet. A spell, I think. [ Clenching her hands tighter, she glances up very briefly with an unusually helpless expression, but then immediately continues staring downward again, still reluctant yet definitely a touch angrier as well. ] She went off by herself, and then... Sephiroth stopped her.

...Sephiroth.

[It's said coldly, angrily, and his hands are clenched into tight fists, trembling for a long moment before he lashes out to punch the wall closest to him, leaving an ugly dent. That bastard... he can't stay dead, he can't just rest in peace, he can't stop hurting people and just leave them alone...

It hits him, just then, how much Cloud had been forced to hide from him the first time he'd been brought here. Those worried, pained looks, the secrets, the hasty corrections of any assumptions Zack had made about their future. The way he'd treated them both.

Because they were gone in his time.

Because they'd died.

Because they didn't have a future.

It's too much. Cursing under his breath, Zack lets his knees buckle, and he drops down to the floor, his head bowed, fingers scraping against the floor as he clenches them into fists once more. Gone. They're gone.

What kind of life are they supposed to be living now...?]

[ Lightning blinks when he strikes the wall, shoulders tensing slightly but otherwise giving no reaction aside from her misery growing steadily stronger. Out of everything else, what she hates the most is feeling helpless, especially when it comes to dealing with someone she cares for- when she's hurting him but can't do anything about it...

Once again she sinks to her knees, heart pounding in her ears and eyes stinging with tears. For a moment her hands just curl uselessly in her lap, but then she reaches out to touch the backs of his with obvious hesitance, terrified that he's going to just push her away; as much as she desperately wants to do more, she refrains- in the back of her mind she stays convinced that Zack is going to be angry at her for concealing the truth... and yet at the same time, her concern wins out. She can't do nothing. ]

I tried to...

[ "...get her to tell you," is what she means to say, but obviously she trails off instead, her mind spinning with the conflict of what she means versus what it might sound like, memories of finding out about the end of both of her closest friends made in Luceti, of deaths taking place on drafts here and their after-effects... eventually she amends instead, trying to explain- ]

She didn't want us to be upset. [ And then quieter, after a shaky breath: ] I'm sorry.

[ That's all she can manage before her tongue ties completely. Needless to say, she doesn't bother attempting to stop or wipe off the tears, this time around. ]

[A part of him wants to push her away, but he knows he shouldn't- it's unhealthy, refusing that sort of comfort. Especially when he knows that she wouldn't do this for just anyone. It hurts, but... he turns his hands to hold hers, lifting them to bury his forehead against them. He needs this. He needs this. Some sort of grounding, a center of calm.

Someone alive, because he doesn't feel very alive right now.]

That's... so like her.

[He wants to laugh, but it only comes out as some sort of strangled half-sob.]

[ It's totally like Aerith, even though that aspect of the woman always annoyed Lightning- angered her, even. That kind of attitude always makes her feel like the person using it doesn't trust her to be able to handle pain or the truth, and when she's already survived so much, is someone who values honesty above practically everything else...?

There's no reply at first, but she squeezes his hands even though her grip is kind of awkward from the angle and being pressed to his face. She can only hope that she too isn't another one of the "if I was still in my own world I would have died X amount of time ago" people; of course, as a l'Cie with a Focus she refuses to complete, her chances aren't very good... it would take a miracle to save her and her friends from a fate even worse than death.

With all of that, she's feeling pretty defeated herself. But at the same time... once again, the fact that she's basically hardwired not to fall into inactivity kicks in, and despite hurting so bad herself she can't concentrate at all, slowly she pulls her fingers out of his hold on them, shifting them instead to the sides of his face. ]

Zack...

[ She looks like a mess, but it's obvious as she then ducks slightly that she's trying to catch his eyes. ]

[He remains still for a little bit longer, clinging to her hands like a lifeline, letting them fall limp in his lap when the tugs free to hold him. It takes some urging, but eventually his lifts his eyes to focus on her, albeit reluctantly. They're damp, though the tears haven't fallen yet. He hasn't cried in a long time, so he's fighting it.

He doesn't trust his voice to speak, so he just watches her, waiting uncertainly.]

[ Lightning might not be the best at interpersonal relations or even the best at keeping positive, yet if there's one thing that can be said about her, it's that the instant one of the people she's close to starts faltering, that's when her instinct to try and drag them back up at any cost suddenly kicks in the strongest.

She lets out a breath, blinking as she presses her lips together and casts about for what to say. But, while she can't promise it'll be okay... ]

... Do you remember why we agreed to move into this house?

[ Maybe, maybe not. That was... just a few days short of a full year ago now. Regardless, she presses on without waiting for an answer, determined to sound steadier despite the uneasiness still trying to well up in her throat- ]

It was because... we agreed that if anything happened, we needed to look out for each other.

[ And well, true, her reasons for that had been different back then, but still. Don't shut down completely on her now, man. She needs you. :( ]

[That... that's right. He'd almost forgotten. It takes him some time - and it's really, really hard to prod himself into moving - but he finally he nods, ducking his head once more and reaching out to wrap his arms around her. He's... not going anywhere. He's not shutting down.

He just needs to hold her for a while, because he needs her there. Because he needs something, someone real to be with. Just for a while.]

Sorry... sorry.

No. [ Lightning shakes her head, but then realizes how blunt that probably sounds, quickly amending a softer: ] Don't apologize.

[ She sighs quietly as she returns the gesture, despite the awkwardness in trying to kneel and embrace someone at the same time; this time it's her who idly spends their time stroking the other's hair, feeling a touch uncomfortable considering she's far from used to this sort of thing, but willing to endure it all the same.

Of course, it only takes a few moments for the practical side of her to start providing options for how things are going to change from now on; the shifting of daily responsibilities around the house had been tough to rearrange when Hope had gone home, but with one of the adults now absent as well and only the two of them left... it was going to be different for sure. ]

[Zack shakes for a moment, laughing very faintly against her shoulder.]

You know, I almost apologized for that, too. I hope I'm not losing my self-confidence or something.

[It's a comment saturated in bravado, but he hates just... sitting there and mourning the loss that might not even last long. He's grieving her, he's grieving the fact that she's out of Luceti, he's missing her presence and her smile and her friendship and all that damn pink she wore (because he asked her to, on a whim, because she remembered him and missed him all those years with no word).

He's missing the days when they had a future.]

As if.

[ It's only a shadow of her own usual confidence, but ... still, she has a hard time picturing Zack losing that spark that practically defines him.

After a moment her hand stills though, and she frowns as her mind circles back around to the mess present here. She can't really read his thoughts, of course, but it's hard for her to forget how, after she found out about Aerith's fate herself, she was always vaguely suspicious that the reason she'd rejected Zack ~~and passed him off to Lightning~~ was because she thought he needed someone who wasn't an instant away from death back in their world.

It makes her wonder in general... ]

Are... we going to be okay?

[ Multi-layered question for the win. ]

[Multi-layered indeed. Zack winces, slightly, but he finally looks up, managing a slight smile.]

I don't want to not be okay. We're strong enough for this... we can make it.

[Somehow.]

[ ... Good enough for her. Lightning blinks, then seems to kind of settle; her chin dips, and then for the second time since receiving this news... shifts towards getting her feet back under her again, this time reaching out to help pull Zack to his too- whether he likes it or not. ]

[Well, he may not like it, but he'll cooperate. He pushes against the floor to help her help him, and once he's up he smiles again, giving her shoulder an appreciative squeeze. It's a little distant for him, but at the moment, distance is something he needs for a few hours. He has to sit and think about what this ultimately means for him.]

Sorry... I think I'm gonna go lay down for a while. You mind?

[ She looks down her nose as she stands, frowning distractedly as she spends a split second straightening his shirt. His request is just unusual enough to cause her pause though, so it takes her a moment before... ]

No.

[ Or well, it bothers her, yes, but considering her own sort of personality, she's not going to pressure him if he wants a bit of asked for solitude for once. Even if it's...

She nearly says something else, but either thinks better of it or can't figure out the words; instead she just looks away, in the general direction of the sound of a dog who's still whining to be let out of her room.

... It's then that she remembers too that she sort of... broke down the door on her way here, too. ]

[Zack follows her gaze, then gives her a bit of a nudge. Smile, smile. He'll be okay, really. Sometimes you just need a breather.]

You should probably let him out before he makes a mess.

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thestormishere - 2012-07-18 01:29 (UTC) - Expand

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wingenvy - 2012-07-19 14:00 (UTC) - Expand

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