wingenvy | [Voice/Action]

[Zack sighs faintly, giving Cloud's hair a little ruffle and just sort of flopping down against him, face buried to his neck.]

I wasn't gonna leave. Just... feels kinda weird, you know? Starting up again after that...

[As if he wasn't already guilty enough. He'd thought he had been forgiven, so why was it so urgent that it couldn't wait 30 seconds, after they'd finished?]

Sorry. [Cloud mumbles into his hair, arms still around Zack's back and shoulders. Why, why didn't he wait? Sure, there was something final about it -like if they'd finished, that would be like promising they were okay- but it wasn't a big deal. He could've waited.

Or he could've said something before they started. Stupid, stupid Cloud.]

[Augh. And now Zack feels kind of bad again. He can't really help that getting scolded is one hell of a turn-off, and now that it's said and done, he sort of wishes he hadn't stopped at all. But that wouldn't be right, either.

...What a mess. He winds an arm around Cloud's waist, resting there and wondering what to do. Should he pull back so they can talk it out without the awkward "gtfo of me" business? Are they going to fight? Would Cloud even let him go?]

[As if Cloud hadn't thrown enough cold water over them, he opens his mouth again.]

...do you care more about Aerith than you do me?

[And Zack jerks back again at that. He can't even think of a proper response to that, he's so incredulous that Cloud would even think to ask.]

[Cloud lets him go this time, but doesn't back down. He pushes himself up on his elbows, and tries to school his features so that he doesn't look like some pathetic wounded dog, even if that's what he feels like. He'd been thinking about this nonstop since he got his memories back.]

If it was for my sake...you could've just convinced me. Or talked to me about it again. We only talked once- once. I knew I was forgetting stuff, it's not like I didn't know.

But you were in such a hurry after I forgot her. I'm not saying...I'm not saying it's okay that I did, but you didn't get frantic until I did. ...and you- [It's unspoken, but Zack can probably tell what it is. "And you let him take me." Cloud's shaking again, for entirely different reasons.

It makes sense, in his little self-loathing head. It makes perfect sense.]

Edited 2009-08-04 07:43 (UTC)

[Zack pulls back, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. He's tense, so much that he's shaking, and he doesn't try to fight it; he's not even sure if he wants to. He's got a mantra running through his head a mile a minute - don't get angry, don't get angry, don't get angry... and it's not working.]

I already told you why I did it. And I know it was stupid, and it wasn't fair to you. I know it was a mistake. If you want to keep holding it against me, that's fine- I deserve that. But don't use it as fodder to doubt me, or worse, yourself. Because that has nothing to do with it.

[Don't get angry, don't get angry, don't get angry...]

[Cloud rolls onto his side, and his hand fists in the sheets. Like a snowball rolling downhill.]

You left me behind. Tifa had to pick me up and take me and the boys to her place like I was some kind of stray, because I couldn't remember why I let you leave. It's not her job to look after me anymore. It's not your job either, but it's even less hers.

It's because you had her that I went with Aerith. Your first instinct is to run to Tifa anyway, so what the hell was I supposed to think would happen?

[Don't get angry don't get angry don't get angry]

You think it was an easy choice? How do you suppose Aerith would've felt if I'd stayed with you and let her leave by herself? She was really hurt, Cloud!

My first instinct is to run to Tifa? [Cloud slides off the other side of the bed, standing up.]

[Oh sure, now he's the angry one? Zack doesn't move, still trying not to RAEG.]

Are we gonna talk or are you just going to stomp off in a huff or something?

[Cloud grabs a pillow and hurls it at the back of Zack's head for emphasis.]

If my first instinct is to run to Tifa, then why the hell would I come back here with you?!

[Oi, pillow. What are you, twelve?]

That's not even the same thing!

[He'd have thrown his shoe if he wasn't busy gathering up his clothes and angrily yanking his pants on.]

Yes it is! You think I'd be here if my default setting is "Tifa?" You think I'd bother at all if I just wanted to end up going to her anyway? How stupid do you think I am; I know that if I just asked, she'd give me another chance. Instead I have to see the look on her face when I tell her I can't love her because I love somebody else.

[Cloud jams his boots on.] I don't want Tifa! I want you!

[Headdesk. Just. Headdesk forever.]

Spike, I didn't mean romance. Would you just stop being pissed off and rash and just sit down already? You're doing it again!

Yeah, well I didn't mean romance either. [Cloud wants to get his shirt, but it's sitting near Zack's feet.]

[You're not getting your shirt, spike-ass, so you'd better get comfy.]

Fine, forget about that. But what the hell are you talking about, asking me if I love Aerith more? Where the hell do you get that idea? Just because I supported her instead of you for once!?

[Cloud clamps his mouth shut and looks away. He can't exactly refute that.]

[Zack swallows down his anger, trying - trying - to see from Cloud's point of view. He knows it must have been incredibly hurtful for him to leave. He knows it must have been even worse to get his memories back and know, not only what Zack had done, but the fact that he hadn't waited for Cloud's return, either, and had chosen to stay with Aerith again.

But that didn't equate to how much love he had to offer either of them. And he'd wanted to go...]

I don't know... how to prove it to you. I don't know how to make you believe in me again. What would you have done, Cloud...? What would you want me to do?

[Zack staying calm is just as much a damper on Cloud's anger as Tifa's presence is, and he finally just wilts, leaning back against the wall and hanging his head, dropping it into his hands.]

...I dunno. I just-...

I'm serious, Spike. You need to throw me a bone here.

[Seeing Cloud like that is enough to make him rise and head over, crouching down to grip the other man's shoulder.]

Tell me how to prove it. I need both of you.

It's- it's me. [Cloud scrubs vigorously at his face, frustrated.] You're right, I'm wrong, it's me, I just-

...I knew this would happen, and- remember, we talked about this before. I can't help it, I just feel so jealous- [He presses the heel of his palms into his eyes.] But it's Aerith, and I love her too and- if anyone here is the odd one out, it's me, so I just need to...

I don't- I don't know. ...I just need to...get over it.

[Ah, Spike. You dummy. C'mere, have a hug.]

Spike- I screwed up. Me. It's okay to say it. I chose her over you, not because I don't love you, but because I thought she needed me more. But I did it wrong, and I hurt you. It was me. It's not a crime to be jealous of that.

This isn't going to work. [Cloud's voice is muffled against Zack's shoulder, and he makes no move to return the hug.] I'm too bad at this.

Oh, shut up. [A mixture of affection, exasperation, and genuine irritation is in his voice as he says it; he understands, a little, but it's so tiresome.] Don't be such a drama queen.

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